Michael Moore (doughnuts, please)

A few days ago, on the heels of the release of American Sniper, this slovenly fat fuck tweeted some seriously stupid shit:

"My uncle killed by sniper in WW2. We were taught snipers were cowards. Will shoot u in the back. Snipers aren't heroes. And invaders r worse"

Naturally, he caught some flak for this causing him to make this pussy-ass, bitch-made attempt to "clarify":

"Hmm. I never tweeted 1 word bout AmericanSniper/ChrisKyle. I said my uncle was killed by a sniper in WWII; only cowards would do that 2 him, others"

Let's examine this for a bit, shall we?

I suppose I'll start with some facts. Now, I've watched Mr. Moore's films so I realize that facts aren't exactly his strong suit. Based on his past attempts at stretching the truth like the taffy no doubt stuck in his teeth as I write, this will likely be hard for Mr. Moore to grasp - Although, frankly, with those chubby little sausage fingers of his I'm sure almost everything is hard to grasp, especially when they're smeared in hoagie grease.

Snipers are actually the exact opposite of cowardly. Just because they may take their actual kill shot from far off, simply getting into the position to do so often involves a dangerous trek, behind enemy lines, without the support of a major military force. They work in pairs or alone, you stupid shit.

Let me help you with some real world examples since the only heroes you know anything about are sold at the deli on the corner.. Yes, "real world" examples... not the Hollywood shit you're used to spewing.

Mogadishu, Somalia 1993: Delta snipers Gary Gordon and Randall Shughart were providing cover fire from the air during the now famous Black Hawk Down incident. When they realized that the victims at the second crash site were not going to survive the encroaching enemy forces, numbered in the multiple hundreds, without aid, they argued with mission command for permission to fight their way to the downed copter and facilitate rescue until it was granted. When they reached the site, Gordon and Shughart extracted the pilot, Chief Warrant Officer Mike Durant, Bill Cleveland, Ray Frank, and Tommy Field from the crash and held off the Somalis until they were literally out of ammunition. They gave their lives that day to save others. Sound like cowards to you, you fucking moron?

Vietnam: Carlos Hathcock, marine sniper, made hundreds of forays into enemy territory, through thick jungle alone or with only his spotter in tow. In one instance, he engaged in a two day stalk of an enemy sniper known only as "The Cobra" in a head to head test of skill which he ultimately won. In another famous mission, he crawled alone on his stomach, literally inches at a time, into an enemy compound while patrols walked directly over him for three fucking days before making his kill. He escaped undetected. Cowardly? Bitch, please!

Mike, your remark was fucking retarded. You failed to educate yourself on exactly what a sniper does and that's just sad because, even though you tend to avoid factual information, stories of these types of heroics have even been dramatized on film countless times.

Look, man, I'm sorry your grandfather wasn't situationally aware enough to avoid being shot up. Sucks for him. But fuck you gently in the ear with a chainsaw for blaming your grandfather's shortcomings on men and women who were simply better at their jobs than he was.

More importantly, though, you can eat a fat dick for calling someone a coward then backpedaling on your own statement with a punk-ass excuse. You and I both know what you were referring to with your first tweet, so don't try and bullshit me. Be a man. You didn't even have the balls to stand by your own words. You, sir, are the coward.    

American Sniper Review - The Good, the Bad, and the Point

The Good

If you haven't been living under a rock for the past few weeks you've either seen American Sniper or, at the very least, read what some Hollywood douche bag thought of the film. I read the book a couple of years ago, so I already had a pretty good idea of what I might be getting myself into when I sat down in the theater to watch it. What I got was something completely different, but not necessarily in a bad way... just different.

There's a reason the movie is killing it at the box office right now. It has everything people in the States need to see in a movie - action, emotion, and a hefty dash of good old 'Murican patriotism. Bradley Cooper's performance is a strong one and he hits on a wide range of dramatics, everything from 1980s Stallonian badassery to mushy, chick-flickish, panty dropping charm (cuz female audiences). Sienna Miller's iteration of Kyle's wife, Taya, was slightly less amazing, but not catastrophic to the film. In short, she did a good job. Her character's transition from hard-assed, whiskey swilling bar chick, to perfect military mommy felt rushed and shallow, but that was probably more the fault of the writers than of Miller. I'm not even that pressed about it, though, because they had the task of cramming a massive amount of information and progression into a very strict time limit.

There's tons of clever, ball busting (albeit macho-dude-bro'ish) dialogue that delivered on the chuckles even during some fairly intense moments throughout and the special effects are exactly what you'd expect in this day and age. You'll get your fair share of sniper-scope shooting scenes, fully automatic and frantic firefights, along with a few gory bits here and there. Overall, the movie delivers on what movies are supposed to deliver on - entertainment. It's a damned good ride from beginning to end, evenly paced, and nail bitingly intense at the right times.

The Bad 

I'm not sure I liked the way most of the actual kills were approached. For a movie that supposedly prided itself on the realities of war, most of the kills weren't very realistic. I hate to ruin it for everyone, but when people are fatally shot, they don't always just fall over dead. Sure, they might drop, but many times they're writhing in agony as they wait to bleed out, screaming in horrified pain, or twitching as nerve responses refuse to stop just because the heart has been exploded. Instead, it's like the film makers chose to terrify us with not just one, but two scenes of innocent children (relatively speaking) being killed. I mean if you're going to take the time to write these powerful and realistic scenes, then let them play out as they would in the real world. Go to Youtube, search "Syria sniper", or something like it, and watch the real deal. You'll see what I mean.

The infamous baby prop... oh, man... that shit was awful. There's a scene in which Kyle/ Cooper is supposedly holding his infant child in his arms, but it is obviously the worst doll prop ever. Worst. Ever. I totally understand why they would choose a prop in this instance, but fuck-me-sideways... With the budget this movie had, they could've done a helluva lot better than buying a Little Baby Puke-n'-Poop doll from Target.

My final beef has to do with the actual terrorists, insurgents, savages (or whatever the fuck you wanna call 'em). The execution of these men, pardon the pun, left a lot to be desired. Pretty much every person in the movie deemed a "bad guy" wore black, the universal calling card of movie "eeeevil". Also, I've seen my fair share of terrorist assholes. Not very many of those had the perfectly groomed facial hair, and square, statuesque jawline of a Calvin Kline model. Also, I didn't hear one single "Aloha Snackbar" in the entire movie. Again, Mr. Eastwood, you have to pick a side: Either go full realism, or don't. You can't just stand in the middle, content to show these "savages" torturing children, yet too afraid to offend a Muslim by calling it like you see it. Don't bullshit me, man. I know these motherfuckers scream that "Allahu Akbar" shit endlessly during a fight.

The Point

It doesn't matter what your stance is with regards to war, the Iraq occupation, et al. It doesn't matter what your view of the American Military is. Your personal politics have no place here. That's what has me most baffled by the vast majority of reactions to the film thus far. So many people are approaching this thing like it was meant to be a commentary on US intervention, or a propaganda piece, or a trumped up action movie based on real events, blah blah blah... I feel like all of these people are missing something huge here.

This movie has made a very valiant effort to illustrate what PTSD and living as a warrior can do to not only the fighter, but the people who love that fighter back home. It tells us, with stark realism, that there is a warrior class among us that will fight and die for something they believe in at whatever cost, regardless of whether or not you believe in what they are fighting for. And it tries very hard to show us the effects of that lifestyle from both sides... the sacrifices of the men and women on the field of battle as well as the sacrifices of their loved ones who wait anxiously for their return, hoping that the same person they love still exists after the horrors of war.

It's a hard pill to swallow. It's difficult for the average citizen to imagine what it's like for these men after the fighting has ceased. We see a piece of cardboard on the side of the road and simply assume it's some trash that blew out of a pickup truck. The soldier can't help but to have the possibility that it's an IED nagging in the corners of their mind, even when logic dictates otherwise. You can't just flip an imaginary switch and turn off the killer instincts of one who has spent every waking second of the last year of their life trying not to violently die, killing to not be killed.

Nor can we easily grasp what it's like to be the spouse, home alone raising children, going through the daily motions of life and worrying about the same things everyone else worries about all the while expecting the call at any time that the love of their life will never come back to them. Or, worse yet, they will return, but they will be different. They could be scarred beyond recognition physically... they could be moody and violent... they could be numb and emotionless... cold.

To me, that's the point of the film and they pulled it off. Unless you've lived it, you won't understand it, but at least you can get the idea. War is a motherfucker. Sure, you can criticize the movie. But if you haven't been to war, then you're in no position to speak a fucking word about the people who have fought and died for your right to spew some half-cocked shit. 

- Steve Kuhn   

Anxiety and Depression Awareness Piece

***Disclaimer: This is an artistic representation and not to be taken literally***

Sometimes I wake up in cold sweats, stressed,

Holding onto the dresser, and choking to catch the next breath.

It’s like the weight of the world on my fuckin’ chest,

But it’s all inside my mind and invisible to the rest.

I guess the rest don’t even know that it exists, 

This manic panic shit’s a bitch, it flips a switch and I trip quick.

They wonder why I have an axe to grind,

Why I imagine loading the gauge, and blowing some minds.

And these dreams, they keep reminding of violence inside my conscience,

Repressed for just a second, but it’s always right beside us.

I can’t escape it, replace it, or even face it,

Just stuffed inside I hide it, maybe try to erase it, 

But it might be why I hate and why I fail to relate,

Why I always fake a smile and tell my mom I’m doing great.

You don’t wanna know what it’s like to be me,

Chain smoking and drinking just to get a little sleep.

Sometimes I pray that my kids don’t have to find me,  

With a hole under my chin and my thoughts behind me.

It’s like a struggle I juggle it everyday,

But I feel my grip slipping, I’m tripping, I fall away,

It’s better that I kill myself,

Than lose my mind on motherfuckers and murder everyone else.

And so I stare at the barrel and contemplate,

My faith stripped, my wings clipped, my place a disgrace,

I make the move and let my trigger finger twitch,

I close my eyes, and let it go, but all I hear is a click.

It’s not my time, yet again, but you can bet,

One day the click will be a boom, finally able to forget.

*** Many people struggle with anxiety and depression everyday whether it shows or not. To those on the outside, be vigilant and help out wherever you can. Be supportive and be conscious of the fact that just because you can't physically see it, it most certainly exists, and living with it is never easy. To those who are experiencing these things, you are not alone! Accept it within yourself and find a treatment, medical or otherwise, that works for you. It doesn't have to control your life!***

-Steve Kuhn  

My dog is stupid.

This fuckin’ idiot… He’s a boxer named Scooter and he’s about five months old. Now, as far as I can tell, dogs are supposed to get smarter as they age. They’re supposed to learn shit and do tricks or whatever. This dumb motherfucker gets progressively more retarded with every passing day.

Did you know that if you blow your stanky breath in Scooter’s face he will lick the air indefinitely? Yes. That silly bastard will flick his too-fuckin’-big-ass- tongue like a Parkinson’s afflicted cobra for as long you’re willing to look equally as dopey blowin’ in his grill-piece. Don’t ask me why I know this, you judgmental dick! That’s my business.

He also thinks he’s invisible. Yeah, you read that right. He will stretch all four of his limbs out to scoot on his belly, sometimes with his chin on the ground as well, and crawl as if he was on some high risk Force Recon mission to get to the stinky, slimy rawhide he’s been munchin’ on for nearly an hour. News flash, fucktard! Nobody wants that nasty shit. Only you. Now, in fairness, it is funny as fuck when he sneaks up on one of the kids and tries to pull off a run-by humping. But he doesn’t even do that right. Do you understand how dumb you gotta be to fail at rubbing one out? I mean, I’d push him away if he was actually succeeding, but this asshole looks more like Christopher Reeves tryin’ to butt-fuck Steven Hawking in a conga line.

One time I was trying to play with him by getting him to chase some stupid toy around the house. He’s a chipper little dude, so when I lifted the toy up he would jump up to snap at it. I’m thinking: Finally, we found something he doesn’t fail at. Wrong. Second attempt at a jump and he does some half-assed backflip, panics in mid-air, and lands directly on his back. I probably would’ve been in stitches laughing, but I was too worried about how much money he was about to cost me. Imagine trying to explain to a veterinary surgeon that your dog broke his back because he’s stupid. Not because he got hit by a car, not because he was abused… but because he was genetically predisposed to idiocy. Luckily, if you’re gonna be dumb you gotta be tough, so he walked it off. And this was after I had to stop playing ball with him because the stupid mutt couldn’t figure out how to work his own brakes and kept slamming into the front door and shit every time the ball bounced.

His only saving grace is that he’s cute as hell. I mean that sincerely. Every time I find myself staring blankly at his gaping, idiot face, wondering what it’s like to be dumber than Lil’ Wayne, I find hope for Scooter. Don’t be Lil’ Wayne, Scooter. There’s hope for you yet.

Please, just stop with the Superhero movies.

Yup, dumb. Seriously, Hollywood, calm your tits. Remember the good old days when we just had Superman and Batman on the big screen? Back when Batman wasn’t a fuckin’ ninja and Superman wasn’t a flaming homosexual? Remember how excited we were when the goddamn X-Men was gonna be a movie? That shit had me so jacked! I mean, that was my joint back when I was little and it was finally coming to theaters!

And then it sucked. It sucked so hard that I wanted to go home and cry myself to sleep. Then more Batman movies came out and I remember thinking, “Why the fuck do they keep changing the main character?” Michael Keaton was the shit. Val Kilmer didn’t suck either, though his true calling was Doc Holiday in Tombstone. Don’t get me started on that shit, though, because it’s only one of the greatest films ever made. We’ll save that for another day. Truth is, after that, I got fuckin’ lost. Just like any other man secure in his own skin, it goes without saying that I’d go full homo for George Clooney, but he’s no Batman. Then Spiderman came out and all hell broke loose.

Iron Man, The Hulk, The Avengers, Captain America, seventeen other X-Men shits, Daredevil, Elektra, Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider (what an abortion that was), Green Lantern, Guardians of the Galaxy (I hear good things), Hellboy, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Punisher, Sin City, Thor… fuckin’ -Thor-….

It’s ridiculous. Just because they’re there doesn’t mean some Hollywood fatcat has to whip out his tiny dick and take a giant piss on my entire childhood. With a few, and I mean VERY FEW, exceptions they continuously grab hold of these once wonderful stories and cast the prettiest face who auditions (regardless of the fact that most of them can’t even play dead, much less be compelling and deep), whip open the cellophane, flip to their favorite page, then tear it out and wipe a big ol’ shit smear across it. What the fuck, man?

Then some asshole got the bright idea that they could interweave the stories together like in the comics, combine the casts here and there and potentially make these really neat connections between the movies. The first time I saw Robert Downey Jr in the Incredible Hulk I lost my shit. I’m thinkin’, “You have got to be five finger fucking me right now! They’re gonna actually try to pull this off!” It’s completely failed as far as I’m concerned. At this point, I’d bet my paycheck that some of these actors show up on set and don’t even know what fuckin’ movie they’re filming. Plot holes everywhere, shitty, half-assed cash grabs full of poorly acted green screen nonsense.

And now feminism seems to be jumping on board. Hey, I’m all for ladies having strong, leadership roles in a story. Look at Kylee in my own book for Christ’s sake… she’s an absolute badass. But so help me, after this female Thor nonsense, if they make a goddamn all female reboot of the fuckin’ Ghostbusters I’m gonna fly to L.A. and shit on someone’s desk. And if you don’t consider the Ghostbusters to be superheros then we can’t be friends.

What happened to hip-hop?

Mainstream rap/hip hop is dumber than hell and I’m gonna tell you why. Back in the day rap music was good because you could relate to it. In the 80’s, it was all about partying and having a good time. In the 90’s, it got raw and really delved into what life was like in low income, urban neighborhoods. Sure, a lot of dudes (read: most) were sort of glorifying the “gangster” lifestyle, but it was like a mark of pride that they were surviving their own culture. People could relate to that shit because, even if they weren’t an active participant in said activities, evidence of it could be seen everywhere in their day to day lives.

Then the 2000’s came along and everything went to shit. Turn on any given radio station in that genre right now and guaranteed you’re gonna hear a “song” about one of two things: Money or Women. Some would say, “Hey, that’s just rock and roll… sex, drugs, all that.” Yeah? BULLSHIT! At least back in the day, if you were gonna sing about fuckin’ some chick in a public bathroom, there would be symbolism and a sense of style that got the point across with out going straight for the jugular. “Bitch, you should sit on my face like a toilet seat” and “Almost drowned in the pussy so I swam to her butt” ARE ACTUAL FUCKING LYRICS NOW. I gotta admit the last one made me laugh… it was a sad laugh, though.

The worst part is, I’m old as fuck now and I have kids. That means I might be scanning through the stations and have to explain to my seven year old why someone was in a swimming pool full of kittens in the first place, much less trying to get to a butt. Now, I’m not for censorship, mind you. I’m just baffled as to why this dumb-ass shit is on the radio in the first place. There are SO many talented, -real- artists in the hip-hop underground that should be getting that airplay. They rap about introspective, deep shit that actually has a meaning in their lives, but we get spoon fed garbage by the industry.

Honestly, if your boss came over to you and just started telling you about how much money he makes and then jokes about how broke you are by comparison, you’d probably punch him in his bitch-ass chin and quit on the spot. Why, then, would anyone who’s not a fucking moron want to listen to stranger talk that same shit on the radio or in a video? It fucking baffles me! I couldn’t give a shit less about your Ferrari, bitch. I drive a 2003 Galant and I probably owe a few more payments on that motherfucker. You threw money at a stripper? Wow. Impressive. You made it rain. Amazing. If I was in a strip club these days I’d be throwing change at her ass and making it hail up in that bitch. Point is, no average person can relate to this dumb-ass shit.

What’s even funnier is that these retards that actually listen to the shit try and emulate the behavior. But they’re just as broke as me, so you see them in the mirror takin’ a selfie with a handful of one dollar bills, puttin’ plastic-ass spinning hubcaps on that ’87 Mercury, and teaching their daughters that it’s not only okay to be a skanky whore, it’s fucking ENCOURAGED. Kill yourselves, please. I couldn’t be more sincere right now.

Stereotypes exist and they exist for a reason. It’s because those stereotypes, false or not, are perpetuated on a grand scale by the mainstream. Anyone who doesn’t want to be lumped in with these hopeless sacks of deep fried fuckery must make that position extremely clear and stick to their guns when raising the next generation. I’m not hopeful, though.

Segways, though.

Segways are dumb as fuck. They look like a pogo stick and Powerwheels got drunk and gave birth to a mentally challenged unicycle. The only people that own Segways and admit it are smug, self absorbed douche nozzles that enjoy the smell of their own farts mixed with patchouli oil. I’m sure the first guy that bought one thought he was hot shit until he actually drove that bitch and realized he looked like an inebriated four year old on a pissed off rocking horse. Seriously, it’s like roller blades… The idea was cool at first and all the sheep ran out and got them, but once all the cool kids started calling them “fruit boots” and beating the shit out of them with skateboards they realized exactly how fucking dumb they actually are.