Morning people annoy me.

Morning people, your behavior is dumb and might actually get you killed one day.  Now, don’t get me wrong… It’s not the fact that you wake up every morning ready to tackle the day like some happy-ass, coke addicted muppet. Who am I to judge you for jumping out of bed at some ungodly hour, you chipper bitch? I’m not going to complain about who you are. In a way, I even envy that sometimes. It’s really about the way you silly shits treat the rest of the population, though.

I get it. You’re happy to be alive another day. Or, maybe you’re just stoked to have the day off from that part-time gig at the Cheesecake Factory and you won’t have to spend your day watching morbidly obese Americans stuff their greasy cheeks full of Raspberry Glazed Sugar Bombs while trying not to accidentally bite off one of their chubby little digits because they look like a hunk of Bratwurst smeared in tasty goo. Whatever your reasons for being so Goddamned happy at the ass-crack of dawn, please, for the love of all things sacred and holy, leave the rest of us the fuck alone.

Some of us need a good twenty minutes to an hour just to get our shit together before we even attempt to begin our day. I need to lay there for at least a half hour, staring at the wall with that blank, zombified glare before moving onto my coffee phase, followed by the “I think I’m ready to put on some underwear now” phase. Try and understand, morning people, that the rest of us aren’t even fully awake at that time, even if it seems otherwise. We are in a state of semi conscious slumber. Calm your tits.

Bounding into the bedroom and spouting off about all the great things that are going to happen that day, or running down a to-do list that’s half a mile long isn’t going to motivate our crowd. In fact, if your approach isn’t delicate enough, you may find yourself pistol whipped in the corner sobbing to yourself while clutching an ice pack and making a phone call to Urgent Care to set up an appointment for a brand new set of stitches. For your own good, stop throwing the curtains open and “letting the sunshine in” or whatever you sick bastards call it. At that time of day, sunlight has a real possibility of bursting our eyes into flaming balls of jelly and sending us scurrying for a return to darkness lest we become a steaming pile of ash, much akin to Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Just calm the fuck down.

If you really want to help get us going… If you truly want us on board with you, speak softly, bring coffee, move slowly, and take it down several hundred notches. Ladies, blow your men. Men, well, shit… I don’t know because I’ve never been up early enough to hook up the wife, but I’m guessing it has something to do with breakfast in bed and handling the kids for an extra few minutes or some shit like that. Perhaps one day I’ll find out. Sadly, probably not :/

Please, just don’t be a dumbass. We’re not like you, morning people. Trust me, you’ll thank me in the end for saving you on medical bills and marriage counseling. So, you’re welcome, I guess.