Zombie
movies are a dime a dozen these days. Matter of fact, some of them bitches are
so fuckin’ lousy you’d think they literally made a dozen at a time on a ten
cent budget. However, there are some seriously epic and wonderful movies that
have been made in the past that really strike a chord with true zombie fans.
That makes rebooting them an extremely risky and “hit or miss” endeavor.
Basically,
I’m a purist. So, with the exception of a very small handful of movies, I’m
generally opposed to reboots altogether.
In my mind,
only three things justify a proper reboot. The first is a technological leap.
If the original film can be greatly improved upon with new computer generated
effects or enhanced practical effects, I’m all for it (so long as the original
plot isn’t fucked with). Nothing disappoints me more than expecting to see a
more vivid representation of one of my favorite scenes only to find out that
the new producer cut the shit out altogether or watered it down by burying it
in some convoluted scheme he thought would be hip. On the other hand, nothing
pleases me more than seeing what was once a mundane practical effect evolve into
a face melting, spectacular display of gore splattered glory.
The second
is when a great movie concept was
originally filmed on a shoe-string budget with awful acting and garbage props.
Sure, we know the movie had awesome potential, but the execution fell flat.
That’s a wonderful opportunity to upgrade the cast and budget and do what was
originally intended even though the means at the time were lacking. I’m all for
making an attempt in that instance and I’d even forgive a certain level of plot
manipulation after taking into accounts the new cast and crew, etc.
The third
one is when the original film is just plain out of date plot-wise (from a
social perspective). Meaning the original was written and developed in an age
when racial prejudices and gender bias were rampant, for example, or the
setting for the movie makes no real sense in the current day and age. Or maybe
some advances in actual, real world technology blew a giant hole right through
the plotline.
Outside of
those factors, anything else should pretty much be considered a new film, not a
reboot. And that should require, by default, a new title. For instance, you
can’t tell me that the 2008 Day of the Dead deserves to carry the same title as
Romero’s 1985 Day of the Dead. The fucking plots don’t even resemble on
another. And fast zombies? I mean, honestly, when you film a zombie climbing a
fuckin’ wall and skittering across a drop ceiling, you’ve officially gone full
retard.
2004
brought about a remake of Dawn of the Dead, another Romero classic. Truth be
told, I really enjoyed the majority of the film. I really did, even with the
fast zombies (which I tend to steer away from). But the only thing it really
had in common with the 1978 version was that it took place in a goddamned mall?
What the actual fuck, man? The only way that movie could’ve had any right
calling itself by the same name is if the chick that played the main character
was named Dawn… At least I could’ve gave them points for being clever. But
alas, a heaping spoonful of nope. Her
name was Ana, by the way.
Every once
in a while, though, you can find the prized piece of corn in the heaping pile
of shit that is zombie cinema. For me, it was the 1991 reboot of Night of the
Living Dead. That’s the one that really got it right in my mind.
Sure, they
tweaked some things, but the shit that they tweaked really made sense for me. I
loved seeing the protagonist changed from the all-too-typical, worthless female
in need of salvation to a strong, mentally tough badass bitch. And it was a
transformation that took place throughout the duration of the film. I also like
the twist on the ending, which I won’t spoil here. Needless to say, it quelled
the racial overtone of the original in an elegant way and was just plain
entertaining. More than anything, though, it had all the elements of what a
reboot should be for me. Updated effects, better acting, and most importantly
it put the characters in the exact situations they were in during the original.
They simply tweaked it.
Sadly, that
seems to be an exception to the rule. At this point they should stop calling
them “reboots” altogether. Maybe call them “Z-boots”… as in Zombie movies with Zero resemblance to Ze Original.
- Steve Kuhn
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