Please, just stop with the Superhero movies.

Yup, dumb. Seriously, Hollywood, calm your tits. Remember the good old days when we just had Superman and Batman on the big screen? Back when Batman wasn’t a fuckin’ ninja and Superman wasn’t a flaming homosexual? Remember how excited we were when the goddamn X-Men was gonna be a movie? That shit had me so jacked! I mean, that was my joint back when I was little and it was finally coming to theaters!

And then it sucked. It sucked so hard that I wanted to go home and cry myself to sleep. Then more Batman movies came out and I remember thinking, “Why the fuck do they keep changing the main character?” Michael Keaton was the shit. Val Kilmer didn’t suck either, though his true calling was Doc Holiday in Tombstone. Don’t get me started on that shit, though, because it’s only one of the greatest films ever made. We’ll save that for another day. Truth is, after that, I got fuckin’ lost. Just like any other man secure in his own skin, it goes without saying that I’d go full homo for George Clooney, but he’s no Batman. Then Spiderman came out and all hell broke loose.

Iron Man, The Hulk, The Avengers, Captain America, seventeen other X-Men shits, Daredevil, Elektra, Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider (what an abortion that was), Green Lantern, Guardians of the Galaxy (I hear good things), Hellboy, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Punisher, Sin City, Thor… fuckin’ -Thor-….

It’s ridiculous. Just because they’re there doesn’t mean some Hollywood fatcat has to whip out his tiny dick and take a giant piss on my entire childhood. With a few, and I mean VERY FEW, exceptions they continuously grab hold of these once wonderful stories and cast the prettiest face who auditions (regardless of the fact that most of them can’t even play dead, much less be compelling and deep), whip open the cellophane, flip to their favorite page, then tear it out and wipe a big ol’ shit smear across it. What the fuck, man?

Then some asshole got the bright idea that they could interweave the stories together like in the comics, combine the casts here and there and potentially make these really neat connections between the movies. The first time I saw Robert Downey Jr in the Incredible Hulk I lost my shit. I’m thinkin’, “You have got to be five finger fucking me right now! They’re gonna actually try to pull this off!” It’s completely failed as far as I’m concerned. At this point, I’d bet my paycheck that some of these actors show up on set and don’t even know what fuckin’ movie they’re filming. Plot holes everywhere, shitty, half-assed cash grabs full of poorly acted green screen nonsense.

And now feminism seems to be jumping on board. Hey, I’m all for ladies having strong, leadership roles in a story. Look at Kylee in my own book for Christ’s sake… she’s an absolute badass. But so help me, after this female Thor nonsense, if they make a goddamn all female reboot of the fuckin’ Ghostbusters I’m gonna fly to L.A. and shit on someone’s desk. And if you don’t consider the Ghostbusters to be superheros then we can’t be friends.