Okay, it’s bad enough that the NSA records everything I do on the internet and doesn’t have the common courtesy to like my Facebook statuses (those pricks!). It’s also pretty terrible that every app you download mines your personal data, your preferences in browsing (Brazzers!), and now, in some instances, records shit using your phone’s hardware… all without you barely knowing it’s happening because we’re all too busy taking bathroom selfies and scrolling through our feeds, shamelessly judging our friends, who are no doubt faking how awesome their own lives seem to be.
You would think that, somewhere in all that mining and data theft, YouTube would’ve had the presence of mind to purchase some marketing software or database access so the fucking ads I have to watch before every goddamn video would at least remotely apply to me. If you’re gonna try and sell me something, make a fucking effort to at least be in the ballpark, bitch. I’m broke, house-poor than a motherfucker, and living paycheck to paycheck like pretty much everybody I know. What on earth makes YouTube think I’m gonna sit through a BMW or a Mercedes ad for more than the required five seconds before I hit the “skip” button faster than I can disappoint my wife in the bedroom? Shit, I’m hovering on that sum’bitch before the shit even comes on. Mercedes? Fuck outta here! Now, throw up an ad for Ramen on sale, bogo style, and some half off BumbleBee Canned Tuna and you’ll be sellin’ some shit! Otherwise, fuck off with your Jared Diamond, stock portfolio, new Elder Scrolls video game release trailer shit. (Okay, we can keep that last one.)
Now let’s talk about load times, because you know those ads are gonna load flawlessly. Riddle me this, Batman: How is it that your one minute and thirty second ad loads faster than the twenty five second video of this cat I want to see air drumming the chorus to Skrillex’s latest dubstep abortion? Why is it that at the peak of my current favorite song, right when I crank the volume to eleven as I’m massacring the bridge harmonies in my Kia Soul and raising my imaginary goblet to the gods of rock to toast their awesomeness, that fucking little circle pops up and everything stops? WHY? WHY, YOU FUCKING FUCKS?! Why do you disappoint my friends and family by showing your smug, little spiraling circular face right before the funny part that I’m trying to show them, leaving me awkwardly grinning at the goddamn screen and holding my finger up for a full forty seconds like, “Wait for it… waaaaaaait fooooor it”?!
And finally… the comments. Only on YouTube (and maybe 4chan) can you express your love for a video with a kind and encouraging comment such as, “Hey, man! Great vid! Keep up the great work!” and have some little pimple-ridden, stiff socked, thirteen year old basement troll reply to you with some shit like, “fuxer u, nigger fggot… eet sum cock!”This isn’t a fluke, either… this shit happens on pretty much every video on there. If you ever wanna see the absolute worst people in society… If you ever want to completely lose faith in humanity… If you ever want to log out of a website and seriously question whether or not you ever want to get on the Internet again… then I encourage you to spend ten minutes reading nothing but YouTube comments. It will ruin your day. I mean, if you have to make yourself feel better about being forty years old, hopelessly addicted to World of Warcraft, wearing a Cheeto and mustard stained wife-beater with some Superman printed underoos, and living in your parent’s basement, then at least have the dignity to call me “a shit eating cockmaster” using proper grammar and spelling.
Fuck you, YouTube. Dumb shit!
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